Bull and The No Shit Zone
CAUTION YOU AE ABOUT TO ENTER THE NO SHIT ZONE
Good Evening I’m Bull Shitzer your host for the premier of the NO SHIT ZONE, the show which you the viewer can call in to discuss the hot topics of the day and get a Bulls eye view.
Bull: Wilma from Waukegan welcome to the No Shit Zone what have you got to say?
Wilma: HI Bull, thanks for taking my call. I want to talk about all of these illegal immigrants and our national security.
Bull: Whoa, Wilma. Stop right there. When you say illegal immigrants you’re really talking about Hispanics aren’t you? Come on Wilma remember this is the No Shit Zone. And I’ve got to tell you I’m sick and tired of people hiding their bigotry behind the guise of national security. For your information Wilma, last time I checked there hasn’t been one Mexican terrorist. And the bottom line is, if you want authentic Mexican food you have to have authentic Mexicans.
Bull: Myrtle from Miami? What hair have you got up your ass?
Myrtle: Well Bull I’m concerned about the gay agenda and I’d like to know what you think of gays in office?
Bull: I don’t have a problem with gays in office, as long as it’s not mine and they weren’t using my desk for other than its intended purpose.
Bull: Maxwell from Manhattan welcome to the No Shit Zone, go.
Hi Bull. Love your show.
Bull: Thank you Mr. Kiss ass.
Maxwell: I want to know your take on the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding Oregon’s assisted suicide law?
Bull: It’s a killer Maxwell.
Bull: Sandy in San Francisco shoot.
Sandy: I was offended by your smart ass remark about gays Bull. Are you homophobic?
Bull: No I’m not. Are you gay Sandy?
Sandy: Actually I’m bi sexual.
Bull: Hey, hey lucky you. You’ve got twice as many choices as the rest of us gay or straight.
Bull: Jack from Junction City Kansas you’re on the air with the Bull meister.
Jack: Yeah, listen Bull I read on the internet where they’re talking about introducing a tax on fast food so folks will be eatin better. What’s up with that? Shit here in Junction City McDonald’s is the fanciest dress up place we’ve got to go when we want to have diner out.
Bull: Relax Jack. Do you really think the federal government wants people to eat healthier so they can live longer? Of course not. Why? Because that would mean they’d have to pay out more on social security and Medicare and it just ain’t going to happen.
And for being the only caller tonight who didn’t piss me off I’m going to send you some McDonald’s gift certificates. Have a Big Mac Jack.
Well we’re up against the clock so until next time, this is Bull saying good night. And letting you all know Howdy is still of chewables. Way to go Howdy.
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2nd Announcer low monotone rapid voice: Pencil Sharpener not included.
I'm standing, you're sitting and laughing.
The following is new stand up material which is meant to be spoken. Some of you won’t know the meaning of the Safeway Club or Costco. Too bad read it anyway and laugh your ass off.
The setting is Harvey’s Comedy Club Open Mike.
If you have ever watched the Seinfeld show the stage setting is almost identical to the club he’s doing his act in at the beginning of the show.
I hope you enjoy it.
Oregon now has an adopt a salmon program
To help protect the steelhead.
For a $25. Donation you get a picture and history of your fish.
We’re also the only state in the nation to have legalized assisted suicide.
So we’re saving the fish and killing the people.
Sure gives a new meaning to our state motto don’t you think?
Oregon Things ARE different here.
I live at the coast and I spend alot of time watching the seagulls.
And I’ve decided when I die
I want to be reincarnated as a seagull (pause)
So I can fly and shit at the same time.
(In case no laughter)
And I’m dying now so next time any of you are at the coast and a gull shits on your head, it’s me.)
I’ve also decided when I die I don’t want my obituary in the paper.
Obituaries always say things like what the dead person did for a living, what clubs and civic organizations they belonged to.
Mine would read Mr. Sheehan had numerous occupations throughout his lifetime.
Because he couldn’t seem to hold a job for too long. He belonged to the Safeway club and was a member of Costco.
He leaves behind three ex wives and thousands of dollars in past due bills and back alimony payments.
What do you think was going through the mind of the person who invented cigarettes?
Um, these brown leaves look good, I think I’ll roll some up in a piece of paper, put one end in my mouth and light the other end on fire.
And what about the person who discovered marijuana?
Did he say to the guy who invented cigarettes?
Here roll up some of these green plants.
They smell kind of funny.
Butt they got a kick to em.
I don’t understand why some vacuum cleaners come with a light on them.
The only people I can think of that vacuum in the dark are the blind.
And that lights no good for them
How are they going to know when the bulb burns out?
And I don’t understand why commercials for sleeping pills say, side effects may include drowsiness.
And they warn us not to drive or operate machinery when taking them.
No shit, a sleeping pill that'l make you drowsy imagine that.
And do they really think somebody’s going to take a sleeping pill and while they’re waiting for it to kick in go for a drive?
Or start up their new power saw to see how it works.
Commercials for alcohol just say
Drink responsibly.
I think they should give a warning.
Warning
Excessive consumption may result in your waking up in a strange place with someone you don’t know.
I recently bought a 60 inch high definition flat screen plasma TV with Dolby digital surround sound.
And it makes television seem so life like, when a commercial for Preparation H comes on, I can feel my own ass burning.
What if Doctor's offices were like restaurants
What if Doctor’s offices operated like fine restaurants? Want would it be like?
Instead of walking into the waiting room and having to talk to a receptionist who is safely ensconced behind bullet proof glass for a god reason you were greeted by a Maitre D’.
Maitre D’: Your name sir?
Patient: Mr. Sheehan
Maitre D’: Ah yes, an exam table for one for the vasectomy special. Please follow me sir.
You’re led to a nice quiet table in the corner away from most of the other patients.
Your waiter approaches and sets the table: paper gown, a specimen cup and some very sharp looking knives.
Waiter: May I suggest a trip to the bar scale while you’re waiting and then how about a nice fresh urine specimen.
Patient: This is my first time here tell me how are the vasectomies?
Waiter: Oh it’s a fabulous procedure sir. Our doctor uses just a hint of anesthesia, sautés your balls until they’re just right then makes a smidgen of a snip. The balls are then topped of with a delicate fine silk stitch covered with a non stick gauze pad.
Your waiter leaves and you’re left lying there waiting, looking around wondering what the other patients are having, thinking abut having a cigarette but then remembering it’s a non smoking office when your doctor arrives.
This is where I stop because if I didn’t I’d have to issue one of those stupid warnings: THE FOLLOWING CONTANS GRAPHIC CONTENT AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. READER DISCRSION IS ADVISED.
Bull and a special stae of the union report
Good Evening this is Bull Shitzer with a Hoax News special report on the president’s State of The Union Address.
Through diligent investigative journalism and a bribe to a White House staff person Hoax News has obtained a copy of the speech the president himself wrote for his State of the Union Address. The one you didn’t get to hear.
My fellow Americans and all illegal immigrants who aren’t Americans but have somehow managed to cross our borders, live in this country, and piss me off, I’m going to keep this short.
The state of the union is, well dag nab it, there’s no nice way to put it other than to say this, the state of the union is fucked up.
Thank you and good night.
In the speech that was written by his speechwriters, Mr. Bush said we the American people are addicted to oil and needed rehab.
I agree. Rehab worked wonders for Howdy and was beneficial for the president as well.
He promised a 22% reduction in our dependence on foreign oil and pledged to work to find energy alternatives. Speculation abounds that the president is giving serious consideration to using some of the hot air Senator Kennedy seems to be able to produce at will as an alternative energy source.
In the gallery last night was a war dog named Rex. At one point when the audience stood and applauded the president so did Rex. After that Rex, like most of us watching the president’s speech on television went to sleep.
For Hoax News I’m Bull Shitzer.
